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Category Archives: Hope

Up until now this has been an outlet for only my personal grief. And yet, the events of the last three weeks have me reeling, attempting to process such acts of hatred.

I feel like we are spinning out of control. But then my rationality kicks in and says “there is NO control”. As a person who has had to rebuild their entire moral structure and belief system, I simply cannot understand the hate that can be emotionally and physically perpetrated upon a fellow human being. And what for? Perceived differences? Generational implanted racism? Power plays? Any and all of those “answers” are disgusting and deplorable.

Humanity is an amalgam: we are each capable of loving kindness and also of unspeakable cruelty. We are all connected. We laugh the same, cry the same, bleed the same, suffer the same. We all feel love, grief, joy and fear. Separateness is an illusion.

Fear is the birth place of suffering; it is where hate and insecurity begin. We fear change, we fear death, we fear being abandoned or not accepted; we give too much substance and power to fear and it’s eating us alive.

Labels and titles mean nothing. They only carry weight because we choose to allow it. They serve only to continuously divide us. Power is a dangerous ambition. History has shown that those in power will always use fear to control others. And, yet, control is an illusion. It too only works when we give our permission, in the form of apathy and compliance.

Media and government use fear as a means to herd us and to attempt to control us. But we are not puppets; we are powerful in our unity and by choosing kindness and compassion we can begin to heal, both ourselves and each other.

Collectively, our eyes are open — and now we must open our hearts and minds.

There is no enemy, there is only us. Every time one of us bears silent witness to violence perpetrated on others, we are the enemy. Every time we make derogatory comments about others, we are the enemy. Look in the mirror. You are the future. I am the future. We can make it better by choosing compassion. We must have empathy for not only our beloved, but also for those we fear and misunderstand.

FDR said it best: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

We must choose to act from love. We must treat each other compassionately. We must let go of fear. This is the only way forward.

My dearest Zev,

After an emotionally turbulent week full of rage and anguish, I was given a day of grace.

Walking in the woods, surrounded by the tranquil stillness; I felt like a young babe being held safe in the arms of mother. The air was cool, a soft breeze coming and going like the ebb and flow of life… birth and death; back and forth. Round and round.

I miss you with a fierce ache, unmatched by any longing I have ever felt. And yet, walking through the forest today, in turns of sunshine and shade, I felt calm, even hopeful… I found myself looking forward to the warmth of spring and summer; sharing time with Zoe, delighting together in the beauty of our world. The last time I remember feeling true joy, and the kind of hope that runs with your blood, was when you were alive. I felt that every day with you.

Having your sister here is a salve to my pain. And I promise you that I will tell her about you every day that I am alive. She will feel as though she knows you. I will plant your love like a seed and watch it grow from her heart.

All my love, always,

Mama

Never before have I been able to live in the present so well or so eagerly; treasuring the now. I am acutely aware that every moment I have with Zoe is a gift.

Each smile fills me with immaculate joy; pure magic.

This is my purpose, my raison d’être. I know this as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow.

While on my walk today, pondering the pleasant mood I’ve maintained these last few months, I was reminded of a post I wrote one year after Zev died. It was a poem that, to me, was so very dark and utterly without hope that I still think of it as a sort of milestone of anguish; the epitome of the cloud that followed me everywhere, and every day, for so long.

Contemplating that darkness, it astonishes me how far I have come… healing and growing through my grieving.

A large part of this is surrender and acceptance. I believe I have finally reached a place where I know deep down there can be no bargaining with the universe. No amount of longing, pleading or wishing can change my reality.

The other component is hope. Without hope for the future, are we truly living our lives?

Somehow in the tearful and anger-filled days the first couple of years after her death, I managed to make the conscious choice to return to living my life. Not simply to exist and survive, toiling through endless days of the same meaningless dribble and routine. But rather to live with purpose and hope; to give meaning to my place in this world and strive to make a positive impact.

That feels like my first step on this journey of a thousand…