Gratitude is always the best way to improve your mood.
Share what is in your heart as often as possible.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
When you need to cry or scream, find an outlet. Do not hold it inside.
Attempting to fix others is a lose-lose situation.
Digging in the dirt and breathing deeply of fresh air will oft cure what ails you.
Follow your internal moral compass in all things.
Advocate for those not able to speak for themselves.
Keep it simple.
Shifting of the seasons
takes the breath from my lungs,
hard and swift.
assaulted, I surrender.
Cold, bright mornings;
biting wind
brings the promise of
long, dark nights
and frozen earth underfoot.
Choked with longing,
my blood quickens;
the urge to bury oneself
intensely appealing.
Fifteen years young;
so different, and yet the same.
she, my collective best
gone to dust,
reminiscence.
Autumn colors resurrect
joys long past.
then quickly,
awaken a beastly rage
longing to tear
worlds limb from limb.
Never before have I been able to live in the present so well or so eagerly; treasuring the now. I am acutely aware that every moment I have with Zoe is a gift.
Each smile fills me with immaculate joy; pure magic.
This is my purpose, my raison d’être. I know this as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow.
I am filled to overflowing. Love of mother for child now has a physical outlet. Being able to snuggle, cuddle, kiss and hold my baby is like a magnetic force, slowly pulling the shattered peices of me back together.
I still miss Zev every single day; that will never change. My love for her is strong and true; it will not fade.
Now, my insides bask in the glow of motherhood once again. I feel whole. The longing I feel is still there, but lessened in having a child to nurture and hold in my arms. Holding this little being close to my chest, created from within my womb, is pure magic. I treasure all the small moments, the bright smiles and giggles, the soft touch, even the hardships of caring for one so fragile and helpless.
I treasured Zev and I made sure she knew I loved her every day, but this time it is different. This time I know the anguish of loss. This time I will not take one second for granted. I will make all of it count. I am enormously grateful.
My urge to mother, nurture, teach and love are being rekindled and it fills me with a joy as vast as the seven seas.
Happy Birthday to the light of my life, my darling Zevie girl. My heart aches with the heaviness of separation from you. The tears are hot and bitter. And yet, this day thirteen years ago was full of so much joy. My world is forever changed because you came into it. Thank you for being my bright star. I treasure the love we share in my heart always.
Today is also the first day in months that I have sat and sobbed, fully feeling the sorrow in my heart. Attempting to imagine you at thirteen is difficult and yet at the same time I feel I know exactly who you would be – fierce, sweet, thoughtful, brilliant, hard-working, gorgeous and full of passion for life. All the qualities you always embodied, only older and taller.
Looking at photos of us together and ones of you brought me to my knees this morning. I miss having you here to shower with love. I miss watching you engage with the world, devour knowledge in your quest to learn. I miss hugging you tight and kissing your soft skin. I miss you so much if I concentrate on it one hundred percent, I fear I shall break under the weight of separation.
My love for you never wanes; it is as constant as the rising and setting of the sun and as deep as the vast blue oceans.
Remembering and honoring you always,
Mom
The end of summer, back to school, and the feeling of autumn just around the corner is rough for me. It used to be the time of year I most looked forward to. Planning Zev’s birthday, anticipating the cooler weather, the changing colors of the leaves, Halloween. [sigh]
This morning I was reflecting on how I have changed; what I have learned through this experience of grief and the truth I am painfully reminded of every single day — life is too damn short.
I don’t mince words.
I take more chances.
I seize every opportunity to tell those I care about how much they mean to me.
I allow myself to slow down and relax more.
Life is short and this world is too damn cruel. So, if you are reading this, please, take these words to heart.
If you love someone, tell them. Say it out loud, write it in a letter, post it online. It is not possible to overdo.
Express your gratitude often. Helping someone feel rewarded and appreciated is truly priceless.
Slow down and enjoy your life and the people in it. When you die, it will not matter how much money you have in the bank. What will matter is the relationships you had and the memories you created.
If you are a parent, know that it is an honor and a privilege. Cherish your children and make sure to tell them how much you love them; every single day. If you do this, there will be no room for regret or guilt later. Trust me on that.
The love you share, the bonds you create and the relationships you nurture are the most important things in your life. Value them.
Thank you for listening. I am grateful to have an outlet for my thoughts, rants, musings, and feelings. Now, as a dear friend often says ‘go chase your dreams’!
What do you do when your world is shattered? Pick up the pieces, some might say. But alas, in reality it is far more complex. A continuously evolving process of discovery; rebuilding from the ground up.
Beliefs. Feelings. Perspectives. Relationships. Hobbies. Sources of inspiration, joy and solace. All of these things and more I have had to find and develop all over again.
Actively grieving, on some days, takes a back seat to this project of search, find, filter, process, reformulate and reshape. I have grown in a multitude of ways. Over the last two years, I have been mentally, physically and emotionally challenged like never before.
Through the crippling anguish, anger, and grief following the death of my daughter, I recognize that I have been given many gifts for which to be grateful.
I am open.
I am bold, courageous and unafraid.
I am more compassionate, understanding, forgiving and empathetic.
I can surrender.
My body is merely a vessel for my soul to inhabit while on this Earth.
We are all connected. Death can not and does not erase love, cherished memories and the deep connections we create together.
I count myself blessed and am extremely grateful on the occasions that Zev is in my dreams. The nights of my sweet Zevie dreams bring immeasurable joy. It is as though I am more aware in these, than in ordinary dreams. As if part of my consciousness is functioning, I find myself holding on to her for dear life.
Then, when dawn breaks and the harsh waking reality overtakes me, I am horrified. Soul shredding, gut wrenching, absolute anguish. I have been ripped away from my baby… again!
Despite this stark contrast and the hours it takes me to pull myself out of the chasm, I am grateful for the grace and beauty of the experience. To touch my darling girl, heart to heart, in the truest, deepest way now possible. Connected. Always.
My dearest darling girl,
You taught me the meaning of true love. From deep within me, you ushered creativity, patience, and youthful wide-eyed wonder.
Magic, the essence of your soul, pouring forth oceans of love, mountains of joy. How grateful and blessed that I was given the honor of being your Mother.
I have no regrets; I gave you all I had, and I would happily do it all again. Your love is worth any price. Had I the power, I would trade anything and everything for your life. To have you here beside me… holding, comforting, teaching, loving, cherishing…
I am grateful for the years we spent laughing, learning and loving. I will always have the memories; I will always be your Mom, and you will live within my heart until the end of days.
Happy 10th birthday to my Princess Zev.
Songs and Sorrow 