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Objects can neither give nor receive love. We can ascribe meaning, but they are, still and always, only inanimate. Unfeeling, unimportant in this grand illusion.

And yet now that these objects are all that remain as the only tangible part of Zev, they seem to have taken on qualities of life. Once they were simply toys and books and clothes; today they signify a life — the legacy of my child. Each item meant so much to her …. What happens now that she is not here to care for them?

In the first year, sitting inside the space that was her refuge amongst all the craft and art supplies, the blankets she snuggled at night, the stuffed animals and dolls she lovingly named and conversed with, I felt comforted. Over time I began to feel burdened with the weight of these many things. I began purposefully avoiding her room and her beloved objects.

While there are moments I can not bear the thought of parting with the material objects she held so dear, I also know that I would be at peace without possession of these things. For no matter how many years pass, the love we shared remains unchanged. There is no distance between us. All of the memories live on, they form a symphony inside the deepest chamber of my mothering heart. A song that will play to my ears alone for eternity.

However tenuous it may feel, the connection is always there — to the space where she now exists — in the fog of cold winter mornings, beneath sea foam at dusk, within the whispers of a gentle breeze through the woods.


One Comment

  1. Your gift of words aligned with your feelings always paint a picture. It brought me to visits in her room while or kids played to being on bended knee praying in her room after. I will always feel for you. Just as I will always be honored to have known Zev and be blessed by the mother you have always been and aspire to be a mother like you. Love you always my friend.

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