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I am filled to overflowing. Love of mother for child now has a physical outlet. Being able to snuggle, cuddle, kiss and hold my baby is like a magnetic force, slowly pulling the shattered peices of me back together.

I still miss Zev every single day; that will never change. My love for her is strong and true; it will not fade.

Now, my insides bask in the glow of motherhood once again. I feel whole. The longing I feel is still there, but lessened in having a child to nurture and hold in my arms. Holding this little being close to my chest, created from within my womb, is pure magic. I treasure all the small moments, the bright smiles and giggles, the soft touch, even the hardships of caring for one so fragile and helpless.

I treasured Zev and I made sure she knew I loved her every day, but this time it is different. This time I know the anguish of loss. This time I will not take one second for granted. I will make all of it count. I am enormously grateful.

My urge to mother, nurture, teach and love are being rekindled and it fills me with a joy as vast as the seven seas.

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One Comment

  1. Tina and I spoke of Zev today. And then somehow I came upon your blog. I’ve spent the past hour or more reading and grieving with your heart that you have written and shared to us all.
    I’ve cried, ached, Ben moved and uplifted by your words.
    A mother again in the physical sense but a mother you’ve always been. Zoe is blessed for you are her mother and Zevie her sister and her guardian.
    I love you deeply Caitlin. I pray I helped in even a tiny way these past years. For its the only thing I can even remotely hope I was able to do in repayment for the LOVE and memories I have of Zev. She is still in my heart, on my mind and apart of our family.
    Forever grateful forever changed by a bright, zestful, loving girl named Zev.


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