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The spring temperatures today brings forth many things from the shadows and the depths of my psyche.

I feel a deep ache and powerful longing to embrace my little girl. Her physical absence cuts to my core. Sweet memories of making Valentine cards together brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.

The incredible weight of this harsh reality stops me cold. Though I live with the sorrow and the longing every single moment of every day, certain moments and days still prove to be debilitating. Oftentimes, I don’t even know how I manage to carry on… I suspect that the warmth and love she gave to me for the precious eight years she was of this world is enough to last a lifetime. Like a lifeboat it carries me through. Over the roaring waves of fury. Through the fiery straits of guilt.

With every breath I take, I am grateful for my daughter. Never have I known love like hers. Warmth radiates through me like sunlight, filling my being with her love. And, though I’d do anything to have her back, I know and accept that is not possible.

I also know that her warmth and love will eventually abate the pain, and for that I am thankful.

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2 Comments

  1. I’ve just gone through and read your blog from the beginning, you have a beautiful way of articulating your thoughts and feelings. I’ve drawn so many parallels from what you’ve written of your grieving process. The way other people see you and treat you and what you’ve written of rage, and still be willing to do it all again for the sake of what you had… Something I tell people, when they put words in my mouth and say things like, “Of course I wouldn’t presume to understand how you’re feeling” is, that even if they’d experiences the same loss as me, three brothers to suicide in 17 months, they still wouldn’t “understand” because they wouldn’t be MY brothers, and they don’t have the same relationship with death as I do. . .
    On mortality, consciousness, and spirituality, I also love TOOL 🙂 And I’d recommend a book called Das Energi.
    Thanks for writing and sharing your story
    Zhourelle

  2. ♥ and more ♥ to you.


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