Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: November 2012

I am learning that I do not handle rage well. Firstly, I don’t immediately recognize it for what it is. Secondly, it gives me headaches and makes me feel absolutely homicidal. Lastly, I don’t know what the fuck to do with it.

When I am deeply sorrowful, melancholic or simply longing for a proverbial walk down memory lane, I know that I have mastered many outlets to channel these feelings, so I tap into one (or several), and voila!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt angry plenty since Zev’s death. A quick walk in the woods, belting out a song along with my mp3 player, or a good long sobbing cry, and that anger subsides enough that I can function. But I am not used to this intense rage. It is as though I am a rat in a cage who cannot escape. All I can do is feel the rage. Let it bubble and froth within me. No way to get out. It festers until it literally makes me ill.

The only conclusion I can come to is that I have not given myself the space or time to grieve in too long. So this fury has grown within me and taken root. Or perhaps it is merely a “stage” I hadn’t previously reached. Either which way, I do not like it and I want to make it disappear!

Interestingly, I just typed the word rage into and found that they consider one of it’s synonyms to be bitterness. While I feel quite familiar with being bitter, I also recognize that I am not the best at knowing how to deal with it when it arises. Bitterness makes me squirm…

I suppose that is because Zev was so full of life; she spread her love far and wide. I choose to continue spreading her love (and my own) to the best of my ability, rather than being bound by such things as rage and bitterness. There is no lesson to be learned in living within a cage built of your own making. What kind of life is that anyway?!