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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Though others perceive me from the outside as strong, I know that I am more fragile now than ever before.

If you have not experienced the death of your own child, you simply cannot attempt to feel what I feel or understand how broken I am. This is the only place I can believe that statements such as “You are the strongest person I know” can possibly come from. And I know this to be truth, since before Zev’s death I could not even begin to try to fathom a grief so encompassing or a sorrow so deep.

The smallest actions still set me off, three years later. Sights, sounds and smells evoke intense memories. Joyful times remembered can cause an acutely painful sting.

At times I feel as if I am alone in a glass tower; inside looking out from my secret, shadowed world of fractured memories and silent torment. Watching the people live their lives, unchanged by the death and the agony around them. The sun still shines, the earth rotates on it’s axis, the days march onward, yet I am forever rooted in time with my darling girl. What a strange feeling it can be… to continue to age and live my life without feeling any forward momentum. Measuring time is difficult. It is as though the years that have elapsed since she left this plane of existence didn’t truly pass. She is always eight years old in my mind. And that is how my years were always measured, by her birthdays.

*sigh*

through the cracks in my heart seep
others pain and suffering
acute awareness of their struggles
forces me to my knees
commiserate and tender

no longer can I harden myself, protecting
against shared sorrows
adrift on a sea of sacred tears
immense, grand emotions threaten
to swallow all that exists within
this fragile shell I inhabit

from compassion comes understanding
gentle surrender envelopes
my wounded soul
speaking the languages of comfort, timelessness
and love

I used to prescribe to clich├ęs such as “life is what you make it”… but no longer is it possible for me to believe in statements like this.

To believe such now would only mean that I am somehow deserving of separation from the one true, great love of my life. My brilliant, vibrant, sweet, generous, thoughtful darling girl.

And no matter how I hash it out and pour guilt and responsibility upon my own head, I cannot make sense of what I could have done in this life to deserve such suffering… which is why I no longer believe in karma.

Our world is ruled by chaos alone; and she is one cold-hearted bitch!