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Monthly Archives: June 2012

I have been feeling a soft, ever-present sadness lately. I miss my little girl. I always miss her. I ache and I long for her constantly.

How can it possibly have been over three years since my Zevie crossed the thresh-hold and passed to another realm?! Like an accelerated sequence of photos whizzing by so fast you can’t even make out the scenes… that is what the passage of the last three years feels like.

Anyone who has experienced the death of their child can relate to the passage of time in the months and years after. It is different. You are different. Forever shattered; sentenced to picking up the pieces for the rest of your days on earth.

Time passes. Seasons change. People come and go. But my pain, my longing, my grief… they are always here; larger than life. And therein lies the splintering truth of the reality that I will never escape. I will wish for her, ache for her, miss her and think of her every second that I continue to draw breath. Yet I will never again hold her in my arms. Never laugh, dance, sing or read with her. The memories and the love we shared for her short eight years must carry me through. Many an hour pass in which I am certain I cannot make it. For how can I go on without the one true love of my life? The reason for my being.

No longer am I crippled on a daily basis by the anguish and the deep heart-wrenching pain. Those days are far less than the ones I manage to blunder through, filling my plate to the point of overflowing.

But I know with every cell in my body that there will never be a time when I will be at peace with her absence. I will always miss her, always cherish her, always long to hug and kiss her and to see her grow up.

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A dear friend of mine posed an interesting question before our last book club meeting — what verb or adjective would you give to describe yourself, if you could only choose one?

At first this simply seemed like a fun exercise, but as I spent time pondering the endless possibilities, then paring those down to more poignant and specific words, I began to realize that for me it was a another discovery of self; a journey to the heart of who I am.

I have always loved words; they hold immense weight and meaning. I also take words seriously and believe it is important to use them properly. Therefore, the task initially seemed a bit daunting. Do I choose a word like sorrowful? That is not all I am anymore, is it? Intense? — not inclusive enough. Some words brought too much negativity to life. Nothing was giving me that ‘a-ha’ moment I was seeking. So I began with a list of words that rang true when thinking of traits I possess and adjectives I feel relate to me on a deep level.

Once I was well into the process, it became clear I needed a word that meant ‘broken open’. That is how I best describe my experience of Zev’s death, my intense grief work, and the empathy I hold in my heart for others experiencing pain and loss.

I also wanted it to speak to the journey I am on and how I continue to learn about myself all the time. There was no single word for that. So I went back to square one…

More than ever before in my life, I comprise massive amounts of:
sorrow
anger
pain
compassion
love

In fact, there have been many days in the past couple of years during which I have been literally overcome by one or more of these emotions. And there was the word, right at the front of my psyche; simple and perfect in all it’s precision.

I am Caitlin Overflowing.