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Our minds are so incredibly powerful. We believe, see, and hear only what we choose. Our consciousness is capable of hiding certain dark truths in the deepest corner of our minds; as well as concealing painful memories from constant view. Our human brains can enable us, cripple us, distract us, and even save us.

Often times my subconscious kicks into high gear, offering a temporary respite from the anguish and everyday struggle of existence. I laugh. I smile. I accomplish tasks and chores. More like a robot than a human being. And though there are times when I tell myself I should be focused on grieving and living fully in my sorrow, I ultimately allow the temporary escape to envelope me. I give in. Partly because I do not know what else to do. And partly because I am afraid of that the darkness will otherwise swallow me whole.



  1. Big love to you. It’s hard to accept moments of joy after loss has crushed your soul & altered your life. It takes time to accept them without guilt or shame & how you feel is normal. Every timeline is different for every person & grief will always be a part of your life. That won’t go away, but over time the process will change. I love that you still talk about zev. Some people are afraid or feel pressured by society to “move on” with some arbitrary timeline. You keep doing what you need to do & we are here to support you however we can.

  2. Or, maybe, sometimes your subconscious is trying to help you realize that it is ok to live, laugh, and love, and that you need not live in the darkness. Leaving the shadows to enjoy a little light does not mean forgetting. You are a wonderful, supportive, caring woman. You show gratitude to everyone in eveey little way. It is ok to show yourself some gratitude for being able to enjoy the light a little more each day. I love you, Kitty. I am sorry life has given you so much pain.

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