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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Zev’s death created not only anger, sorrow and pain in my life, but also an immense void. And no matter what I do, it is never filled. Always the emptiness lives within me.

My love for her is as strong as it ever was; yet she is not here for me shower it upon. My expressions of love and gratitude to those in my world is the only act that quells the aching and the longing.

The rising tide within me grows stronger every day; to have a child in my life to fill my heart and my arms. A young one to lavish with affections, to teach, to encourage and to love.

Even though I am acutely aware of the facts — I will always miss Zev, constantly long for her, feel anger at the universe for cheating her of the life she held so dear — deep within me, I know that nothing else will ever give me even a fraction of completeness. I am and always have been very clear that motherhood is what I was meant for. Nothing this world has to offer will ever bring me the same joy.

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Our minds are so incredibly powerful. We believe, see, and hear only what we choose. Our consciousness is capable of hiding certain dark truths in the deepest corner of our minds; as well as concealing painful memories from constant view. Our human brains can enable us, cripple us, distract us, and even save us.

Often times my subconscious kicks into high gear, offering a temporary respite from the anguish and everyday struggle of existence. I laugh. I smile. I accomplish tasks and chores. More like a robot than a human being. And though there are times when I tell myself I should be focused on grieving and living fully in my sorrow, I ultimately allow the temporary escape to envelope me. I give in. Partly because I do not know what else to do. And partly because I am afraid of that the darkness will otherwise swallow me whole.