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I am choosing to face the fact that I have been hiding from my pain and my grief for months now. I fill my days and weeks to overflowing so that I have rarely a spare minute to break down. Even though I know it isn’t healthy for me, I do it anyway. I read, I hike, I drink, I skate, I work… leaving little to no room for sitting still and contemplating. And while I am being honest with myself, I may as well admit that lately I have consciously and habitually chosen to drown my sorrows before they even surface.

Somewhere along my journey I stopped surrendering. And perhaps that was necessary, at least for a while. When I steep myself in the heartache and aimlessness of grief for too long, I feel lost; disconnected from the world. There is also a sense of apathy that is a bit frightening. And if I allow the anger to course through my veins regularly, I would become even more bitter and cynical than I already feel.

I share this with the world in hopes that it will be the catalyst to change. I need to cry. I need to write. I need to allow myself ample time to feel. To be angry. To vent.

In the beginning, I was giving myself at least thirty minutes every day to feel whatever came out after being silent and still for a while. And if nothing came, I would jump-start the process by looking through old photos or listening to sad songs.

Perhaps I am afraid that nothing will change and I will spin off into the grey abyss. Or that I will crack in two and no longer be able to function in society. Whatever the case, I owe it to myself, to my loved ones, and to my darling baby girl, to do what I can to help myself stay as emotionally healthy as possible. Gratitude helps. So does exercise.

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One Comment

  1. Grief is a spiral path that we move back and forth on. Sometimes we jump a rung or go back one. It’s a very difficult journey and your heart and soul are still so freshly wounded. Blessings to you for continuing to choose to live rather than giving up. It’s so hard to keep going in the face of that wall and working to get over it, hopeful that there is something good & healing on the other side. Keep moving and feeling for Zev, yourself, your family & all of those that love you.


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