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Monthly Archives: August 2011

There are times I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to turn my anger on the world. I spend long moments thinking of what it would be like to put pedal to the metal and dive headlong over a cliff in my car. Fantasizing about death. Longing for an end to this.

I would bleed and suffer and die a thousand painful deaths if it would bring her back. In acute agony it feels as though the emptiness inside will swallow me whole. Leaving not a trace. No memory of what once was.

The questions gnaw at my insides. Loneliness, sorrow, anguish, pain. Unbearable weight.

I beg, plead, attempt to bargain. The indifference of the universe imparts her cruel truth. Etching the sufferings of this world upon my very soul. Some like whispers; long forgotten memories. Others like the raging surf; pounding, unforgiving.

Death, the great equalizer…

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Lately, I have felt an overwhelming need to articulate the sense of injustice within me that rears it’s head so often.

How can anyone say, feel or believe that there is any sense to be made of this world? This life is full of suffering. All the positive thoughts, love, or prayers in the world cannot and will not change that.

Since the start of this month, a local boy’s cancer claimed his life,
a friend’s infant daughter died from SMA, and I stumbled across the story of a young girl who was killed in a car crash just days after making her birthday wish to help get clean water to kids in Africa.

The worst part is, this happens every single day. There is not a damn thing any of us can do about it. Death permeates all things.

How is it that so many children have to suffer? To have their lives taken from them before they even have a chance to get started. Little souls so full of love and generosity. It does not and will never make any sense to me. I can feel the pit in my stomach turn to rage. All I can do is shed tears for these children and their families. Sobs that go unheard, anger that eats away at my insides. I am absolutely powerless. All the questioning and fighting will not change the senselessness of our world… all we can do is surrender.