Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: July 2011

There exists within me a vast emptiness…

In the first year I fell into the void. Living there and almost nowhere else. Tears, anguish, sorrow, fear, doubt, rage. Longing to die. Every single day, like a song that won’t stop playing in your head.

I looked out on the world from my darkness. I could not relate to anything or anyone. Sleep was my only respite. And yet it was often both elusive and fitful.

Somewhere in this journey of grief, I made the choice to continue to live. Not just to exist, but to be a part of the world. To contribute. I was hit by an overwhelmingly intense need to ensure that Zev is never forgotten. And to bring her joyous spirit and positive attitude to everyone I meet.

Now I spend most of my days filling the hole in my heart. Mostly, I fail. But I continue to give it my all. Roller derby. Music. Movies. Books. Skating. Gardening. Charity. Friends. Family. Adventures. Projects. Writing. Alcohol. Food.

None of these will ever be a replacement. But I must continue to fill this aching empty space within me. Otherwise I will surely slip back, descending into darkness. Falling, falling, falling. With no one and nothing there to catch me.