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Do you ever ask yourself ‘what is the point?’…

Why are we here? For what purpose? Will the good we do truly matter one hundred years from now? Will the choices we make have any bearing in the grand scheme of the universe and the space time continuum?

What on earth was the point in all the time, love, effort, and energy invested in one small human, if she was simply to die before barely getting started. Logic cannot help with this. Time cannot either. And certainly my emotions, no matter how deep or complex, will not ever bring me any closer to knowing or understanding why.

We raised an amazing daughter from an infant to the magical age of eight years old. She was brilliant. Smart, witty, beautiful, thoughtful, giving, kind, overflowing with joy and love. No matter how I approach the reality, I cannot ‘swallow’ it. I cannot wrap my mind around the truth. I suspect that is how it will always be.

Many hours, sometimes days, have I spent wanting to die. To simply blink out. No more separation, no more heartache, no more anger, no more anguish. No more! I fantasize about speeding at over 100mph and crashing into a wall or a tree. I think about possibilities for my death and wonder why I am still here. And yet, I know that I have within me a steely strong mechanism that will not indulge me; suicide is not a real option. I do not know exactly what it is, but some invisible source continues to propel me forward.

Until two years ago, I didn’t ever think about whether there was a purpose – for life in general – or for us as individuals. It simply didn’t matter to me one way or the other. I was content to live my small, quiet life with the people I loved. Did I seek to make the world a better place? Perhaps, in little ways. Was I kind and giving? Sure. But I did not think about the world as a whole, at least with regard to my impact, or any reason for why we are here. I was focused only on my own microcosm. As long as I led by example, taught my children respect, right from wrong, and fostered compassion, what else was there?

Now, I live in a world deconstructed. No longer whole or simple. My heart feels the suffering of others with an intensity I cannot describe. From the unfathomable down to the infinitesimal. I know now that no matter how much we contribute to the world, no matter how much love we radiate, no matter who we are, we all die. There is nothing else any one of us can be sure of; only our mortality. Our fragility. And the truly small amount of time we have here, together. For, death takes no prisoners.


One Comment

  1. this is beautifully written honey. My one constant (since i was a child) phrase or quote that comes to me over and over in my life is this
    “The only thing in life you can depend on is change” I will live with this quote forever because of how true it is for every man, woman, child and our planet Everything changes, grows, forms blooms and decays back to the earth where it came from. We are all on borrowed energy and one day we have to give it back. Death is just one more change in the grand design. Though I have several on the other side I understand the hard yet ever continuing push to make it here and not give up. You have a real insight here, keep the healing process going and when I see you I am going to give you a BIG HUGE hug! ❤ ❤ ❤ Love transcends all things even death, she is with you always ❤ MJ

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