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Monthly Archives: May 2011

I am keenly aware of the words I use when I speak and write. And because I love language and have always done my best to say what I truly mean, I do not say ‘Good Morning’ or ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or ‘Merry Christmas’ or anything else of that nature. To anyone. Deep inside I don’t feel it.

Some part of me feels that not speaking those words is selfish. Like I should say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ to all the Mothers in my life that I love so much. And all the friends in my circle that are great Mom’s. I want to acknowledge those women but I have to find other ways to do so. For now anyway. This is the only way I know to be true and real; to not force sentiments out because of societal pressure or any feelings of guilt that I put upon myself.

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I used to live by my own grand notion that if I tried hard enough I could make and keep everything alright. If I was patient enough, organized enough, responsible enough, kind enough. I lived and breathed control. All of the ‘things’ in my world were just so and when something was out of sorts, I did whatever I needed to do to put it right again.

My house was always tidy. My children were well mannered (mostly), clean and on a strict weekday schedule. Bedtime was not negotiable. Teeth cleaning was monitored. Homework was completed promptly, with help from Mom or Dad if necessary. Laundry and dishes didn’t have time to accumulate. My own professional work was accomplished, organized, then filed neatly in drawers and folders. Relationships were handled with care, but also with a certain regulation.

My marriage, nor any other aspect of my life was perfect. But somehow I managed to convince myself it was. That I held the power to change and mold any situation. Simply by being mature, reliable, loving, and ‘in control’. I was the glue and I was strong enough to keep all things intact.

How truly wrong I was!

Learning this lesson through traumatic loss, like a freight train of agony crushing my every belief, crippling every emotion, action and thought process, has been tremendously difficult. And yet I am grateful to have learned it at all.

Today I know that the version of reality I created is not realistic, viable or ultimately possible. I, nor anyone else, can have control over what happens in this life.

I continue to grapple with the enormity of this knowledge. And I work hard to consciously breathe in acceptance. Surrender.

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“You can twist perception. Reality won’t budge!” – Rush (Show Don’t Tell)