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My Dearest Darling Zev,

It is Groundhog Day. I cannot remember if we ever talked about that… I hope we did…

I am in such a strange place these days. I feel stuck. That is the only word I can conjure up at the moment to describe it… I pressure myself a bit when I haven’t written or cried in several days or say, a week. But then I wonder, what’s the use? Looking at old photos, watching videos, spending time in your room, have all started to feel like self-torture. It would appear there is a very thin line between grieving and masochism. Or maybe it’s just me.

I know I will always love you, always ache for you. I will miss you intensely every moment of every day of the rest of my life. So at what point is it productive to my healing and well-being? Tears release toxins from your body, so perhaps that is why I should continue to travel this road. And yet some moments the thought of hearing your voice, holding you close, being surrounded by material things that you treasured, is utterly terrifying. Shall I continue to throw myself into the deep end purposefully? Or do I stay active and so busy that I don’t have time to scream allowing the sheer agony eat me alive?

I don’t have all the answers. Some days I can live with that and some days I can’t. I guess today is one of those days; gnawing at my insides, spilling tears, permeating emptiness and pain.

I love you with all of my heart. I always have and I always will.

Sending my love, from here to there,

Mama

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