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I miss my baby! My eyes sting from the recently shed flood of tears.
Feeling angry, alone, cheated, stripped down… nothing new, and yet each crystalline moment of this hell somehow feels like the first. I walk a labyrinth of confusion, loss, emptiness and sorrow.

The weight of other people’s pain is crushing atop my own. I now feel more deeply. A blessing and a curse?

Life betrayed me. What do I do with that? Inflict pain and bitterness on those around me? Tempting. Truly.

And worse, she was cheated! Robbed of years of discovery, joy, love, lessons learned, travel, exploration, making friends, having a family of her own, reaching her myriad of goals. I know it is cliche to say, but it really truly is UNFAIR!

I hate the thought that my arms will ache and long for her forever. I cannot bear knowing I will only see her again in my dreams. Even though I know I am making ‘progress’ I still feel so very lost. I want her back! Fighting reality doesn’t help but I still do it. Screaming and crying only vents a minuscule fraction of this mangled ball of emotion for a small period of time. Listening and reading loss stories of others’ only helps me know I am not alone. There is no sense to be made of this. Surrender knocks at my door… too wary to turn it away, I succumb.

I love you deeply and forever, my sweet Zev.

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