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Monthly Archives: December 2010

Through the crippling anguish, anger, and grief following the death of my daughter, I recognize that I have been given many gifts for which to be grateful.

I am open.
I am bold, courageous and unafraid.
I am more compassionate, understanding, forgiving and empathetic.
I can surrender.

My body is merely a vessel for my soul to inhabit while on this Earth.
We are all connected. Death can not and does not erase love, cherished memories and the deep connections we create together.

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I do not believe that time heals all wounds. How could that even be possible? It certainly isn’t logical.

However, I do believe time helps us adjust to the pain and the emptiness. Which is indeed important and a grace for which to thankful. But the old adage will never hold solace for this soul of mine and I honestly do not think I will ever heal.

My heart can never be whole without Zev here… I will continue to do the work, grieve my losses, speak my gratitude, and to remember and hold close her love. But I simply do not see healing as a surety. I will always be broken, perhaps the wound will lessen in size over the years, but within me there will exist a hole for all the rest of my days on this earthly plane.

I count myself blessed and am extremely grateful on the occasions that Zev is in my dreams. The nights of my sweet Zevie dreams bring immeasurable joy. It is as though I am more aware in these, than in ordinary dreams. As if part of my consciousness is functioning, I find myself holding on to her for dear life.

Then, when dawn breaks and the harsh waking reality overtakes me, I am horrified. Soul shredding, gut wrenching, absolute anguish. I have been ripped away from my baby… again!

Despite this stark contrast and the hours it takes me to pull myself out of the chasm, I am grateful for the grace and beauty of the experience. To touch my darling girl, heart to heart, in the truest, deepest way now possible. Connected. Always.