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For nearly all of my adult life I have identified myself, before anything else, as ‘Mom’. So what does this childless Mother do now?

I am fragmented, lost … meandering through this maze of shattered dreams, hauntingly beautiful memories, and cold hard truths.

Inside, I am full of such intense love and pain. Often, it is all I can do to find an outlet for one, let alone both. Stripped of my armor and my illusion of control, tears flow in reaction to so many small things. I feel like a lightning rod when I hear or read of other’s tragedies. It is difficult to look at myself in the mirror … who this stranger is looking back at me?

I dream of surrender … I fight the reality… and yet I still manage find beauty in this world full of suffering. Alas, I will not give up! I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, seeking connection and light, building my own coherence of character, brick by brick.


One Comment

  1. So beautifully written. You are such an amazing mother and incredible person, I can’t make sense of you not mothering entire villages of children, let alone your precious girl. I don’t know how you manage to still be so real and beautiful in the midst of this kind of pain, but I’m thankful for the world that you are in it — even if this world does not deserve you. (((((hugs)))))

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