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Monthly Archives: August 2010

For any of you that may wonder why I make myself so transparent on this journey of intense anguish and sorrow; I found the below excerpt today and decided to share because it hit the mark perfectly. Thank you, Anne, for your words of truth.

“Courage is a first step, but simply to bear the blow bravely is not enough. Stoicism is courageous, but it is only a halfway house on the long road. It is a shield, permissible for a short time only. In the end, one has to discard shields and remain open and vulnerable. Otherwise, scar tissue will seal off the wound and no growth will follow. To grow, to be reborn, one must remain vulnerable– open to love but also hideously open to the possibility of more suffering.”

From ‘Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead’ by Anne Morrow-Lindbergh

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Broken heart, shattered soul
Surrender to the pain
Open and raw
Surging emotions

Seething within
Searching without
Bold in my brokenness
Change is inevitable
Transformation unstoppable

Hope and passion continually fluctuate
A merry-go-round of confusion
Indifference ebbs and flows
Tired of breathing, living, pushing on
Am I only alive because I haven’t yet died?

Surrounded by memories
Imprisoned in this tower of solitude
I dream of breaking free from brokenness
Casting burden and sorrow to the wind

For nearly all of my adult life I have identified myself, before anything else, as ‘Mom’. So what does this childless Mother do now?

I am fragmented, lost … meandering through this maze of shattered dreams, hauntingly beautiful memories, and cold hard truths.

Inside, I am full of such intense love and pain. Often, it is all I can do to find an outlet for one, let alone both. Stripped of my armor and my illusion of control, tears flow in reaction to so many small things. I feel like a lightning rod when I hear or read of other’s tragedies. It is difficult to look at myself in the mirror … who this stranger is looking back at me?

I dream of surrender … I fight the reality… and yet I still manage find beauty in this world full of suffering. Alas, I will not give up! I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, seeking connection and light, building my own coherence of character, brick by brick.

My view of the human experience has shifted immensely in the past eighteen months…

Upon finding my own life turned upside down and inside out, I can now see the vast landscape of that which is backwards and sideways and upside down.

What matters most is connection and sustained relationships. Some choose to touch many lives, some choose not to. While for others it is not a choice, it is simply part of who they are.

Why do we focus intently on that which is fleeting? Material items, money, status. None of that matters when we depart from this world. You can’t take it with you.

I grieve for all that has been missed by so many. Lost opportunities. Time passed. Experiences. Open hearts. Truth. Bonds of love.