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Monthly Archives: July 2010

I am tired, so damn tired…

Tired of breathing and grieving and smiling. Sick of forcing myself to care about mundane everyday chores, and ‘sucking it up’ while working to pay bills.

My psyche is worn.

The effort of these tasks was always worth it when my shining star was here in the flesh; a constant reminder of why I work hard. Now I am stripped of my reason for loving, giving, working, playing — truly for living. And I spend many an hour wondering why I am still here.

Living takes courage. Life requires strength. I am not sure I have much of either right now. These are dark days indeed.

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Grappling with my own concept of spirituality continues to be a theme in my life these days. I perceive the world in a completely different way than I did when Zev was alive. Everything is upside-down.

All of my beliefs and priorities went out the window. Now, more than a year later, I am still working to re-frame my perceptions of reality, truth, death, spirituality, and all the big life questions.

On my good days, I would say that there are as many reasons to delight in this life as there are to condemn it. And yet when my veil of darkness falls, I cannot see past the vast amounts of suffering. All I can do is wonder … why?!

‘Embrace this moment. Remember; we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.’ (partial lyrics from Parabola by Tool)

When I ponder this, it is as though I am split in two. I feel connected to Zev, I trust that I always will. Yet I also carry so much doubt.

Everything dies. Every single one of us will die one day. The rational part of my brain says this, while my raw bleeding heart weeps for my own losses and others’.