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I write to Zev often, and I keep those letters close to my heart, rarely sharing them with the world. Somehow there is a sacredness in the words being only for her and I. Yet, in the interest of maintaining transparency in my grief, I have decided to open myself up even further and post a recent letter here.

March 26, 2010

Dear Zev,

My heart aches for you, my arms long to hold you. I feel so very lost. Your physical absence creates a gigantic void in my everyday life.

I just returned from a walk which I spent mostly in tears. Everything is blooming and budding and the air is crisp and clean. Those things are all painful reminders of you and my mind plays over and over the walks we took together, holding hands, talking and laughing, picking flowers, basking in the beauty of our natural surroundings.

Lauren comes home from Europe tonight and I am excited to hear about his adventures, but a piece of me deep down is upset that he is returning and yet you cannot.

I continue to work on strengthening my spiritual groundwork, as a means to finding an anchor in this sea of anguish. I don’t mind the pain, if only I had a way to communicate with you…to know all the way through to my core that you are happy and free, safe and sound. This is one of the most difficult pieces of the journey for me – I am your mother, your caretaker, your protector, and yet you are not here for me to hold and care for. And, of course, the worst of it is the knowledge that I was not able to keep you safe and alive. I fight the guilt monster often, and thankfully, most days I win.

Until the day that I die, and my spirit is set free, I will long for you. I will never stop loving you, talking to you, sharing your greatness with the world. I strive to honor you in all that I do.

Loving you from this body that holds me,


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