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Monthly Archives: March 2010

Melancholic madness
This tortured existence
Emotions waxing, then waning
My love for you mixed
With the pain and sorrow
Of physical separation
Tears spilling forth
Memories held in my heart
Carry whispers of joy

Watching Zev’s friends grow up is at times gut-wrenching. Reflected in their shining eyes is both the love I have for Zev and the agony of missing her physical presence.

I want to see her grow taller, reach her reading goal of 1,000 points by 5th grade, hit puberty, learn to drive – all of the painful and wonderful stuff of our teenage years. I can even visualize her as a wife and mother; she always said she couldn’t wait to have her own little girl.

So if my eyes fill with tears when I see kids on a playground, or if my heart sinks as I am hugged by her peers, it is because I see in them what I long to be a part of. Keeping my distance is the only choice… for now.

Oh, you little mirrors of joy and of love! It is not possible for me to explain the depth of sorrow I feel inside when I hear of your adventures and see your smiling faces. And yet I welcome your hugs and you will all have a special place in this broken heart of mine, always.

Being disconnected from my emotions makes me feel uncomfortable in my own psyche, and in my skin.

When I am steeped in saddness, a good cry, a heart to heart talk, writing, walking, gardening are all cathartic. On the days when anger consumes me I run, or scream and cry. But I don’t know what to do with the numbness — it leaves me feeling alien and awkward.

I should have been able to keep you safe. And I couldn’t. And now I can’t take care of you at all. What is a Mother without her child?

Part I


Why not live the rest of my days
Alone
No joyful sprite showering me with love
Filling me up from the deepest depths
Souls intertwined
Why
This intense need for new life
Bursting, burning, boring right through me
Uncontainable insatiable unstoppable
Longing

Part II


Turning my thoughts to the future
Full of hope, promise, joy
Is it all in vain?
If I must live with this deep pain for the rest of my days
Grant me a measure of respite
How can I fill this emptiness?
Am I searching for answers to impossible questions?

Part III


I latch on
Teeth clenched
Intensely attached
All I have left to cling to
Is hope
I am no good at letting go
Is this self deception
Or survival instinct
Enabling arduous
Forward momentum

My darling Zev,

I remember clear as day our conversation the weekend before your death…you were anxious for springtime, and I told you that the first official day of spring was less than a month away, which made you very happy. We even looked ahead on your horse calendar. How can it be that was a whole year ago? It seems unreal.

My week has been a veritable flood of memories. It astounds me how I recall things so vividly — it is as if I am reliving the moments, complete with emotion, sight, smell, and sound. Some of my favorites are…

When you received your personalized thank you card from Locks of Love, telling me how it made you want to cry for happiness that you helped a child with cancer.

Sledding and laughing with Dad & Auntie at Christmas.

Hearing you ask, so very sweetly, if we could go on a ‘trash duty’ walk.

Holding your hand.

When you’d hide from me at the end of the school day, so that when I walked in the door, I would have to look for you. Oh, the joy when you would jump out at me, saying ‘Mommy!’

Auntie Lori is right — your heart was as big as the moon! And your goodness and love endures. There are so many people that honor you daily in their thoughts and actions.

I have so many memories that I will cherish all the days of my life. Thank you my ‘lil punkin head. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever — your deep, unconditional love.

Loving and missing you intensely from this body that holds me,

Mama

The forest holds me.

Wind blowing through branches,

like the very breath of life.

Thick trees and brush

surround me, comforting.

Earthen hills soak up my tears.

Moss-covered rocks

speak of ancient times.

Mud becomes medicine,

sunshine unveils hope.

Be still my heart;

listen to the birdsong.

Splendid solitude

quietly envelopes

this broken soul of mine.