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Surrender

What does it mean?

Why do I fight against it?

It is strange to feel aware of the reality of something, but not fully accept it on all levels – logical, emotional, and spiritual. It feels as though deep within my core something it amiss… perhaps it is that I over-think things analytically until the illusion persists so much so that it becomes my perception of reality. Wow, that is deep and tangled, isn’t it?!

The big question is this: what am I giving up and where will I be if I surrender to the reality that I can no longer have a physical relationship with Zev, no matter how much bargaining I attempt inside myself? In essence, I am holding on to something that no longer exists… I resist this new reality and yet I know I cannot change it. It doesn’t make sense, but there it is.

How do I shift my way of thinking? What will it take to focus on strengthening my spiritual connection? Surrendering to the reality that all is not as it was before and never will be again. The problem is that I am not ready to let that go. So for now, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and the anger, hold onto my longing for the physical, continue to fight off and keep at bay the truth that is all around me… until I know I am ready for the tide to engulf me. And surrender.

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One Comment

  1. I think what you are saying is a normal process of grief. I have heard people who have been through a tragedy say that they had to get use to the “new normal” and I am sure that the length of time to do that is different for everyone. *hugs* to you.


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