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Monthly Archives: December 2009

Shattered bricks of hope fall crumbling to my feet.

Charred remnants of the past whirling through the air.

I stand on the edge of an abyss so vast, so empty.

And yet I long to fall in, to feel myself being swallowed whole.

For no fear exists in this reality.

Sparks flare up from the depths of my brokenness.

Fueling the passion and the anger simultaneously.

I’m alive, and I’m alone… and I never wanted to be either of those.

(Chemical Brothers)

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Don’t you know that you are my shining star — don’t you know?!

Of all the people in my life, you shone brightest.  Your love radiated outward and touched so many hearts.

And, now, here I sit in darkness, unable to allow your light to guide me and comfort me. Searching in vain… focused only on the pain…

All is not right in the universe without you by my side, holding my hand.

I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to our family, friends, neighbors and community members.

Showing respect for our fragility, our anger, our broken hearts, and the completeness with which our lives have been turned upside down, means more than you may ever know.

Simply waking up, getting out of bed to face this vast landscape of constant pain and sorrow, can sometimes take all the energy and willpower we have. So, when strangers are kind and friends are gentle, it is deeply appreciated.

And I will let you in on a little secret — not all who have crossed our paths have been so gentle and respectful. Specifically as it relates to religion.

Therefore, I give a special ‘thank you’ to those of you, who, though your faith may be deeper or different than ours, do not force yourselves or your belief systems (no matter how good the intentions) upon us.¬†Thank you for not impressing guilt upon an already guilt-ridden parent. Thank you for treading softly upon hearts newly turned to glass. Thank you for drawing upon your faith for the strength with which you comfort a broken family. Thank you for not assuming you know how this feels. Thank you for honoring Zev’s wonderful shining spirit.

There are moments when I wonder what is wrong with me, that I can continue to live, breathe, eat, love, laugh even.

To be so truly blessed, completely and utterly fulfilled, only to have it ripped from you so violently… what does one do in the aftermath? How can I reconcile my loss of joy and purpose? Supposing that I cannot, what reason is there for me to continue this journey? And if I can, and do, what kind of person am I then? A childless mother is but an empty vessel…

I am now a weary traveler… lost, alone, directionless, adrift in a sea of sorrow. Wind blows about me, and waves surround me, but I am unchanged… I remain simply, a broken soul, floating in my memories of her.

Strength is not defined in continuing to live, when all you want to do is die. Purpose is not found in empty days and sleepless nights. And yet somehow, the human condition dictates that I will go on, despite this immense suffering.

As the first snow of the season falls gently to the earth… searing pain engulfs me, while The Great Sadness pours over me, reducing me to a sobbing heap.

It is astounding how much the changing seasons affect my grief. With each shift, whether mild, harsh, swift, or slow, I am thrust into a state of overwhelming anguish and I miss her more than I can express with words.

The major weather shifts and the resultant changing scenery act as a lightning strike to my psyche. I am jolted out of my denial and reminded of the horrific, painful, foreign reality which now makes up my every day existence.

How is it that I still continue to find Zev’s death and the permanence of that reality not only hard to swallow but utterly unbelievable? Will acceptance ever come for me?

Is it because of some survival safety mechanism hard-wired into my brain? For, honestly, when I do stand and face the facts — telling myself I will never again feel her small hand in mine, or wake up to her shining smile, it feels like I might explode. My body shakes and a sea of rage boils up inside of me, while on the outside tears pour steadily down, like rain. I think that if my mind allowed me to process my new reality all at once, rather than in tiny peices, over time, I would surely go mad, and perhaps die of turbulent emotional overload.

Or is it because she continues to live on, a dancing spirit that whispers to us on the wind and shines love upon the world like distant star-light?

Perhaps it is because I want her to not simply have ceased to exist so badly that my powerful mind doesn’t allow for any contingencies… for now I simply accept that I do not have the answers.

I continue to grasp at straws in attempt to find some way to transform this living horror into only a nightmare from which I will one day awaken.

So it seems that the more days pass, the heavier the weight of losing you becomes… it feels now a burden most unbearable. With each tick of the clock, each small moment I live through, the farther and farther we are pulled apart. I live and breathe because there is no other choice. And yet the how continues to elude me.

With each action I complete, a fire made of both memory and imagination is created. As I walk the property, I think of how you held my hand, or skipped beside me, and I can feel you — as I imagine your spirit doing whatever it is I am doing, right along with me!

I live now in a world colored with pain. I remember each touch, every facial expression, all of your words… it is as though they are etched in stone across my heart.