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Monthly Archives: November 2009

Is it a symptom of denial that I continue to somehow expect Zev to waltz around the corner, or come in and wake me up in the morning, with a gentle touch of her hand on mine? Perhaps.

Because we spent almost every day of her life together, the habits are thus ingrained? Most definitely.

However, what I also know to be truth is that she and I are so deeply connected, even death cannot sever the ties. I can no longer hear her delightful giggles, hold her hand in mine, or kiss her button nose, but I feel her here with me.  Zev’s energy continues to surround me, whether I am curled up on her bed, driving to town, or hundreds of miles away from home. We will always be connected.

Sometimes I can take comfort in this knowledge and other times I am so blinded by the pain and sorrow of grief that it is of no consolation whatsoever.

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When I am in a state of gratitude it is next to impossible to feel negativity of any sort. And so, today, I wish to express how grateful I am for the gifts with which I have been blessed.

Thank you Zev, for teaching me what it means to truly love and be loved.

Thank you Lauren, for your lightness & laughter and for opening my heart.

Thank you Anthony, for walking beside me and acting as my compass throughout this emotional storm.

Thank you to my dear friends and family for your unsurpassed support and kindness.

To anyone who stumbles upon and reads this post, I say, take heart and remember…

Sow the seeds of gratitude & love and the harvests you shall reap will be joy & happiness.

Rage

Red like blood

Pouring forth onto unsuspecting souls

Blistering heat surges

Black and mean

Like demons possessing me

Anger and pain

Here to stay

Slowly draining my will to live

I have found nothing

In this life

As fulfilling as motherhood

To invest

Love

Energy

Time

And then to reap the rewards

When your child

Walks, talks, reads

Expresses empathy and compassion

Teaching and learning together

Devouring the world and its wonders

Adventure and joy to be found around every corner

To look upon imagination and curiosity

With renewed passion and youth

Seeing everything through their eyes

Rapturous wonder

When a sweet voice whispers Mommy

For deep in your heart you know

You are unconditionally loved

Ferocity of spirit and willful passion continue to pour out of me… I fight for you… I stand up for what I know to be right and good… for future generations.

Why should I lay down in defeat because you are not with me in the flesh?

I will not give up, nor will I rest. With this fire in my heart  I will blaze trails in your name!

I feel with all my knowingness that this remains my path.