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Monthly Archives: October 2009

I feel like the rest of my life will simply be spent waiting…

waiting to wake up from this nightmare… waiting to discover I’ve finally plunged off the deep end… waiting to be with my perfect Zev…

The minutes and hours drag on so tediously. Days seem endless without my inspiration. This great love, of mother for child, knows no bounds. And so I wait…

for a tear in the fabric of space time to appear through which I may pass… for a day of judgement with which this wrong can be made right… for my heart to be whole once more…

In some twisted way, I feel I have been given gifts along with my grief.

~ Boldness

~ Openness and sensitivity on a different level than before

~ Larger capacity for compassion

~ No fear of death — there are many moments I would welcome it.

Somehow, in the depths of my sorrow, broken-hearted, and in agony, the compassion and love I feel for humanity has grown immensely. It is as though a doorway has opened, allowing a higher level of awareness into my psyche. I am now acutely aware, at times painfully so, of the intense amount of suffering and sorrow in the world. It is as though my mind is now tuned to a different channel.

In one moment my life shattered before my eyes…

When your entire world crashes down upon you – up is down – nothing makes sense anymore. Everything you thought you knew about the world goes right out the window. Hopeless strips meaning from all things. Colors fade to grey. Food has no taste, let alone any appeal. Warmth and safety are no longer valued commodities.

My view of the world will never be the same…

All of my beliefs have shattered — the very framework of my world destroyed. Here I sit among the shards of brokenness that was my life. There seems nothing left to do but slowly begin picking up the peices … like a mosaic artist, using shattered bits of colored stone, attempting to create something meaningful.

The ugliest part of grief, I have discovered, is guilt. It can become huge and incapacitating. Like a gaping hole it will swallow you — if you allow it. And how I have struggled and fought with this monster called guilt…

Many nights I lie awake as my mind battles these thoughts — ‘it is my fault’ — ‘As the parent, I am responsible for the well being of my child’ — ‘What could I have done differently’ — ‘If only I could do it all over again’

In my thirty years in this body, I haven’t had many regrets… and now I live daily with this enormous chip on my shoulder. I will always wonder if I had taken more precaution, would the outcome have been different?

Feels unbearable

Breathing now a chore

Pain so deep

Nothing truly soothes

Sick and sad

Spiraling serpents

Numbing my senses

Some day, one day

I will finally be

Free from this world, this body

Holding you in my arms again

Basking in your glow