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Monthly Archives: September 2009

Eating holes through my heart

Carving doubts into my mind

The guilt monster

Chipping away at my sanity

—————-

Fighting to rise up

Against this anger & guilt riddled me

Woeful struggling

Has taken ahold

——————-

I will fight to break free!

As the cold moves in and Fall announces her arrival, I feel a mixture of strong emotions… sadness, false hope, bitter anger, and a strong desire to literally hibernate and close myself off from the outside world.

The gray, gloomy skies match my emptiness. Rain, oh rain, wash away my pain.

Will I ever come to accept the permanancy of her death? I know I am fighting against the reality — wishing this were only a nightmare from which I will soon awaken. Perhaps if I frame it as the acceptance of transformation, I can one day find peace… and find solace in the knowledge that I will one day join Zev in another realm…

Yes, seasons will change… yet my love remains. Deep. Solid. Unchanged.

Strange how the passage of time, or rather my perception of it, has changed…

It feels as though I kissed you only yesterday, and yet simultaneously, it feels like forever since I heard your sweet voice. The seconds slip by unnoticed. Nothing seems to matter and I am, at times, completely unaware of the world buzzing by at it’s usual lightening pace. It is as though time stopped with you.

I sit now upon a black horse in a carousel enveloped by fog; a lonely spectator watching the world swirl around me.

What I would give to leave this flesh and soar up up up and away… to be with you in spirit, free, full of joy, and comforted in the knowledge that you are safe in my arms.

Instead I listen for your whisper in the wind, look for your face around every corner, and overflow with tears as the memories wash over me incessantly.

I believe the ‘it won’t happen to me’ mentality comes naturally to us. Nothing inately wrong with that — except when it does happen to you! And therein lies the danger with this way of thinking, and ultimately of living.

Truly, deeply, the thought of my child dying had never crossed my mind – even peripherally, like those random blips that skip into your consciousness and make you think ‘where did that come from?!’ And why should it, right? Never had I even imagined other children in my life dying before reaching adulthood. I suppose that is greater testament to just how super-secretive this ‘club’ is …  it is as though it’s existence only becomes reality when you unwilling become a member.

How do we deal with all the crushing horrible realities that occur in this world? Maintaining a constant state of hyper-consciousness means being keenly aware of the beauty around us, and also of the suffering. That can be a heavy burden to carry from moment to moment. However, closing our minds and hearts to the pain in the world is not something I recommend. It can act as a receipe for mental and emotional disaster when you are faced with the unthinkable. And in all likelihood some form of tragedy will likely occur, if not to us, to someone we know and care for. We are merely mortals afterall.

This is not me being pessimistic, for I am after all, a glass half-full kind of girl. It is me being realistic — speaking from my heart and the loss I have experienced. None of us will live forever…

My dearest Zev,

I miss you intensely at this moment. I am flooded with memories and long to hold you in my arms. There are oh so many things I miss so much and wish to experience again with you…

reading and snuggling at bedtime

tucking you in, knowing you are safe & warm & happy

hearing your sweet voice when you sing

racing each other to get dressed on Friday mornings

feeling your small soft hand in mine

eskimo kisses

going on long walks & afternoon ‘trash duty’

telling you how very proud I am of you

praising your artwork

rocking out in the car

the way you loved being sneaky and hiding from me in the classroom when I came to pick you up from school

sharing a ‘kissing hand’ in the mornings

The list goes on for eternity… you are amazing and I am grateful for the privilege to call myself Zev’s Mom.

~  ~  ~

In the immortal words of Ozzy Osbourne — ‘I just want you!’

Waiting in vain for this agony to cease

Haven’t I done this long enough now?

Isn’t it time for me to wake up from this nightmare?

Plagued with guilt and what if’s

Black shadows cloak my rage

Tears and screams extinguish the fire inside

Not even exhaustion brings reprieve

I find that poetry is a wonderful form of expression. Here are some of the poems I’ve written these last several months.

———————

I am raw

Stripped down to bone

Heart in pieces

Lost I wander

From moment to moment

Up and down

Round and round

Piercing pain

Sorrow black and gray

Broken-hearted

A swirling whirling mesh

Of deep aches and hot tears

(May 7, 2009)

———————

I continue to breathe

The sun rises and sets

Yet time has stopped

My heart still beats

Earth spins on its axis

But I am motionless

A flurry of activity surrounds me

Blurring my vision

Tears flow ceaselessly

In sorrow I sit quietly

The days come and go

Though in my heart it is winter still

Memories of you abound

Sight and sounds meaningless now

For my time stopped with you

(July 5, 2009)

———————

I am swimming in memories of you

The last eight years wash over me

Some like the pounding surf

Others are a gentle rain

If only I could drown in these remembrances of you

To be with you again in spirit, to be free of this agony

(July 6, 2009)

———————

Time marches onward

Pulling me with it

Shadows cling

Shrouding my every thought

Drab and dull

Are the colors and the sounds

Whispers sent away on the wind

Echoing in my mind

Zev, my darling girl, I will be with you again…

One day, some day… soon

(August 18, 2009)

———————

Memories of you so vivid

Every detail etched in stone

Upon my heart

(September 5, 2009)

———————-

With your love, my soul took flight

Soaring on the breeze that is your laughter

Why do people die? To teach us that life is short? To punish us? Because they deserve to? I think not!

Did Zev die to teach us to live life to the fullest and enjoy each moment? I say no. I believe she LIVED to teach us that. She greeted each day with a smile and her radiance touched all of us. There is no reason she had to die. She simply did. And now we are left here in mourning and all we can do is honor her loving spirit and learn from the way she lived her life.

Why are people tortured? Children abused? Women raped? Mutilated? Executed? Starved?  So many horrid things exist in this world. And though I try, I cannot come up with one single reason why. Some bitter jaded individuals might offer up any number of reasons,  evil being the primary scapegoat. But I am an eternal optimist and simply see life to be simply a string of random events, some of which are wonderful and some that are undoubtedly torturous and painful.

In my heart and in my logical mind I can find no reasons why.

When we experience the death of a loved one, we are forced into pondering our existence and mortality.  Somewhere I read ‘grief is a crash course in existenstentialism’ – indeed it is. I have never in my life thought more about the nature of the universe, my own spirituality, and all the big questions, as I have in the last six months. Never before have I felt an urgent need to have the answers. Now it is a constant burning within — what happens to us when we leave our bodies? What is it like? Do the people who have transformed feel the pain and sorrow of separation as we do?

Prior to this earth-shattering horror that I wish was simply a nightmare and not a living hell, I did not feel any strong conviction as to whether what we experience in life is simply random acts versus fated happenings. Certainly when good things occur  it is easy and pleasant to believe that they happen for a reason, right? But what about change, loss, heartbreak?

I have been told that with time I will discover the reason for my daughter’s death. Within this I have reached a conclusion — I choose to believe that life is random and things simply happen – not as a result of any grand design and not for any greater purpose. They simply happen – good, bad, and indifferent. People get sick, accidents happen; this world is no more perfect than we are as human beings.

Why would I ever want to think that my sweet Zev, at only eight years of age died for a reason? She died because she got sick; that is all.

I also choose to take my experience of this intense grief — all my sadness, pain, anguish, anger, and bitterness — and make as much good come from it as I can. I have chosen a framework that suits how I now view life; through this veil of loss which all my thoughts, feelings and acts are now filtered.

Perhaps when people say things like ‘with time the reason will be clear to you’ it is because they don’t properly know how to express what they truly mean, which, I believe to be this — with the passage of time the peices of your shattered heart , your broken soul, can slowly be put together again — you can find a way to make the life [and death] of your beloved not be in vain.

Life is all about choice. And it is what we choose to do with our heartache, pain, suffering and grief that ultimately shapes who we are.

Over the last six months, through my grieving, I have learned many things… My sadness and frustration at the mass amounts of people utterly afraid of death and grief is what has prompted me to begin this blog. My hope is that I will help others who are grieving or others who have loved ones, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and even strangers that are grieving…

I want to live in a world where each one of us is allowed to grieve openly and not be made to feel wrong or ashamed; without these terrible unspoken thoughts of ‘aren’t you better yet?’. Death is so taboo in our culture. And, to me, that is downright ludicrous! It happens every day, all around us – plants, animals, people, even stars die.

Death is part of life and so is grieving. We grieve everyday in small ways that we are often not even conscious of. And why do we grieve? — because we love. So why oh why is grieving something we are made to feel we should hide?

Do we need to carry signs that alert others to our anguish? I have given it some serious thought – who knows, perhaps I will have a t-shirt made that simply says ‘my daughter died’. But then, that would make people around me squirm even more than they already do…  So, instead, my ‘sign’ is my conscious decision to wear black when I am out in public. Sometimes I take that one step further and wear a picture of my daughter pinned to my shirt.

Too many thoughts are spinning through my mind, so I will simply say, be gentle with yourself and with those around you — for we do not always know the depth of pain or sorrow that another person is experiencing.

From my heart to yours…