Filling the Void

There exists within me a vast emptiness…

In the first year I fell into the void. Living there and almost nowhere else. Tears, anguish, sorrow, fear, doubt, rage. Longing to die. Every single day, like a song that won’t stop playing in your head.

I looked out on the world from my darkness. I could not relate to anything or anyone. Sleep was my only respite. And yet it was often both elusive and fitful.

Somewhere in this journey of grief, I made the choice to continue to live. Not just to exist, but to be a part of the world. To contribute. I was hit by an overwhelmingly intense need to ensure that Zev is never forgotten. And to bring her joyous spirit and positive attitude to everyone I meet.

Now I spend most of my days filling the hole in my heart. Mostly, I fail. But I continue to give it my all. Roller derby. Music. Movies. Books. Skating. Gardening. Charity. Friends. Family. Adventures. Projects. Writing. Alcohol. Food.

None of these will ever be a replacement. But I must continue to fill this aching empty space within me. Otherwise I will surely slip back, descending into darkness. Falling, falling, falling. With no one and nothing there to catch me.

Control

I used to live by my own grand notion that if I tried hard enough I could make and keep everything alright. If I was patient enough, organized enough, responsible enough, kind enough. I lived and breathed control. All of the ‘things’ in my world were just so and when something was out of sorts, I did whatever I needed to do to put it right again.

My house was always tidy. My children were well mannered (mostly), clean and on a strict weekday schedule. Bedtime was not negotiable. Teeth cleaning was monitored. Homework was completed promptly, with help from Mom or Dad if necessary. Laundry and dishes didn’t have time to accumulate. My own professional work was accomplished, organized, then filed neatly in drawers and folders. Relationships were handled with care, but also with a certain regulation.

My marriage, nor any other aspect of my life was perfect. But somehow I managed to convince myself it was. That I held the power to change and mold any situation. Simply by being mature, reliable, loving, and ‘in control’. I was the glue and I was strong enough to keep all things intact.

How truly wrong I was!

Learning this lesson through traumatic loss, like a freight train of agony crushing my every belief, crippling every emotion, action and thought process, has been tremendously difficult. And yet I am grateful to have learned it at all.

Today I know that the version of reality I created is not realistic, viable or ultimately possible. I, nor anyone else, can have control over what happens in this life.

I continue to grapple with the enormity of this knowledge. And I work hard to consciously breathe in acceptance. Surrender.

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“You can twist perception. Reality won’t budge!” – Rush (Show Don’t Tell)

In the End

I stand on the precipice ready to fall
Tumbling over the edge into sweetness
Sanity is simply another word for denial

Cloaked in darkness, peering into the light
Shadows playing tricks, concealing pain
Heart strings tugged continuously

Ride out the wave, for this too shall pass
As surely as the next surge will come
I surrender to the tides

Destined to wander, lost but not alone
Drowning in love with no place to go
Succumb and be free

In the end, we all fall away
Each soul, each memory
Fades into oblivion

Broken

Broken heart, shattered soul
Surrender to the pain
Open and raw
Surging emotions

Seething within
Searching without
Bold in my brokenness
Change is inevitable
Transformation unstoppable

Hope and passion continually fluctuate
A merry-go-round of confusion
Indifference ebbs and flows
Tired of breathing, living, pushing on
Am I only alive because I haven’t yet died?

Surrounded by memories
Imprisoned in this tower of solitude
I dream of breaking free from brokenness
Casting burden and sorrow to the wind

Who is this stranger?

For nearly all of my adult life I have identified myself, before anything else, as ‘Mom’. So what does this childless Mother do now?

I am fragmented, lost … meandering through this maze of shattered dreams, hauntingly beautiful memories, and cold hard truths.

Inside, I am full of such intense love and pain. Often, it is all I can do to find an outlet for one, let alone both. Stripped of my armor and my illusion of control, tears flow in reaction to so many small things. I feel like a lightning rod when I hear or read of other’s tragedies. It is difficult to look at myself in the mirror … who this stranger is looking back at me?

I dream of surrender … I fight the reality… and yet I still manage find beauty in this world full of suffering. Alas, I will not give up! I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, seeking connection and light, building my own coherence of character, brick by brick.

Controlling the Uncontrollable

Why do we think that because we are human we somehow are not subject to the laws of nature?

In the animal kingdom, as many as half of a ‘litter’ dies before growing old enough to survive on their own. Because of our technology we have discovered ways to prolong life, yet we are fooling ourselves to think that we can cheat death.

We can not control the weather. We cannot control time. We cannot control death, our own or other’s.

The circle of life is a reality for all living beings, for we are all connected.

This feels a bit cynical of me to be expressing, because I would save Zev’s life and or bring her back without hesitation, if I could. But I have been thinking a lot about the nature of humanity, and our obsessions with control and power. We are not immune to the laws of nature, death, and change.

‘Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose’… the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Altering My Conscious Focus

Shifting one’s consciousness is certainly easier said than done. But I will persist.

It is becoming increasingly clearer to me that a large part of my journey consists of surrendering to my new reality. This may in fact be the key to finding what I need to reinvest in living and experiencing joy again.

This past year I have spent so much energy focusing on saddness and anger, wishing with all my might for things to be as they were before, fighting against the truth, attempting to bargain with the universe… and yet nothing has changed.

Therefore, in the coming moments, hours, days, weeks, I will endeavor to shift my persepctive and focus on this one powerful truth: Zev exists within me, all around me, in those that I love, and in the memories I cherish.

When I miss her, all I need do is blow a kiss on the wind, write to her, sit in her room, open my consciousness to her spirit. Listening to her song of love and seeing in my mind’s eye her playful joy abound works magic in my soul.

Surrender

Surrender

What does it mean?

Why do I fight against it?

It is strange to feel aware of the reality of something, but not fully accept it on all levels – logical, emotional, and spiritual. It feels as though deep within my core something it amiss… perhaps it is that I over-think things analytically until the illusion persists so much so that it becomes my perception of reality. Wow, that is deep and tangled, isn’t it?!

The big question is this: what am I giving up and where will I be if I surrender to the reality that I can no longer have a physical relationship with Zev, no matter how much bargaining I attempt inside myself? In essence, I am holding on to something that no longer exists… I resist this new reality and yet I know I cannot change it. It doesn’t make sense, but there it is.

How do I shift my way of thinking? What will it take to focus on strengthening my spiritual connection? Surrendering to the reality that all is not as it was before and never will be again. The problem is that I am not ready to let that go. So for now, I will allow myself to feel the sadness and the anger, hold onto my longing for the physical, continue to fight off and keep at bay the truth that is all around me… until I know I am ready for the tide to engulf me. And surrender.